The Princess

Triumph!

2009-01-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

As I watched the inauguration of our 44th president, I was struck by the excitement in the crowd. There was something new being shown by the American people. You could see it on the face of the masses. Hope for change is here people! President Obama is going to make change happen. I believe that. It's a great thing to feel hope again. It's a great thing to feel that a time for renewal has truly begun. Democracy is back with a vengeance and we need to come together and unite if we really want order to be restored.

And as for Mr. Bush... well let's just pray that Congress will decide to charge him for the heinous crimes he has committed against the American people and against all of humanity. His reign of terror and greed is over. His reign of tyranny is over. He is over. It's been a VERY long eight years. It's been a very depressing, frustrating eight years. But, it's over now. Goodbye Mr. Bush. May you be treated as well as you treated us all. May you be thought of as much as you have thought of us. And one day may you face the true consequences of your actions. You are the reason I believe in the death penalty Mr. Ex-President. There is a special place in hell for you. And it will not be long before you are completely forgotten.

Yes We Can! Yes We Can! Yes We Can!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T09:23:00.001-08:00

Since the holiday season has now officially begun. As usual I must reflect upon the things that I am most thankful for. Some are old, some are new, some are silly, but hey it's my goddamn list right?

1) My husband (the man puts up with me and all my tremendous crap and yet he still gets the urge to buy me jewelry)

2) My children (they're smart and beautiful and total smartasses...just like me. How could I not love them? lol)

3) My family (Yes, they're still completely nuts but now some of us are more medicated so it's all good)

4) My friends (These are the people that keep me from killing the other people on the list lol! Year after year we laugh together, make fun of eachother, and usually get stinking drunk together. These people are my family and I love them all dearly. Thanks for ALL the good times)

5) Plastic surgery, jewelry, designer purses, booze & chocolate ( no explanation required)

And finally, especially with the current financial crisis this country is in, I am thankful to have a roof over my head (thank you Chris), food in the fridge (thank you Chris), a car to drive (thank you Chris), and clothes on my back (again thank you Chris). It's amazing how grateful you feel for the simple things in life when you see that there are millions of people who can't say the same.

P.S. Oh yeah I forgot to mention homosexuals. I am VERY grateful for the gays. Not only do they make the greatest shopping buddies but they will also tell you if your ass looks big in a pair of pants and you can go out with them anytime you want without your husband getting jealous. I love the gays!!! Yay for gays!!!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Holy Frickin Crap!

2008-09-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm a little in shock. My daughters are starting preschool tomorrow! And yes I know we're just starting them off at 2 days a week but it's still a big deal to me.

Is it just me or is time flying by? I guess that's part of being an adult... we get so busy with our lives we don't even notice the years going by. Not that I'm complaining :)

I just remember when the girls were born and it still feels like it wasn't that long ago. And yet, it has been. They're four and a half now. They're little people now. It's weird to me. I think I understand parents better now. I think I know now why my own mom still worries about all of us and still hopes we make good decisions for ourselves. Being a parent doesn't ever end. It's this infinite thing. I know now that I'm going to look at my kids in 2o, 30, and 40 years and think to myself, "it wasn't that long ago..."

What in the hell did we get ourselves into? It's the best and worst thing in the world. Isn't it amazing that WE are responsible for sending functional and worthy human beings out into the world? Us? I wonder if all people think this way? I wonder if everyone worries about this stuff? Does worrying about it make us better parents? To be perfectly honest, I feel like I'm already failing them somehow. I already have regrets about things I could or should have done better. Damn, I'm turning into my mother lol!

The Root of All Evil

2008-04-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

I was watching Lewis Black's show the other day and couldn't help but laugh my ass off when I saw what the big debate was all about. Apparently they were trying to decide who was more evil. Was it going to be Dick Cheney or Paris Hilton? The funniest part was that I really had to think about it for a few minutes. I mean, on one hand you have the VP of the United States who (as far as I'm concerned) is helping in the total destruction of our country. But on the other hand you have this celebutante who likes to dress up cockapoos and fucks the has been ex-husbands of Shannon Doherty. Do you see my dilemma? Of course in the end it was good ol' Dick who won the "most evil". I'm sure there are plenty of whores around who like to dress up small animals in humiliating costumes. But there are only a very select few who can run the country into the shitter without anyone noticing.

Dick, Paris is merely an amateur whore compared to the likes of you. My congratulations to you. You are and always will be the most evil.

Agh!

2008-02-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

I really hate it when I'm looking all over for my sunglasses and then I realize they're on top of my head. That's the shit that really makes me feel old.

8 More Days!

2008-01-10T15:17:00.001-08:00

Get Your Countdown

I am so excited! We leave for El Paso next Friday. I get to spend the whole weekend kickin it with some of my best friends and drinking beer. It just doesn't get better than that! I can't wait to see you guys. It's SO on like Donkey Kong.

A Lonely Jew on Christmas

2007-12-21T16:22:00.000-08:00

You know for the record we Jews love Christmas too! I think one of my favorite Christmas memories, from my childhood, was the first year that I had voiced my opinion about how much I loved Christmas trees. So my mother, in an effort to make me happy, went out and bought a little Christmas tree for me. She brought it home and painted it white, then she put these huge, shiny blue balls on it for me. Then she asked me, "honey do you like you're Hanukkah bush? LOL!

That's still one of the funniest holidays I can remember. I hope everyone has a wonderful Hanukkah and Christmas. Have fun and be safe and I'll see you in the New Year!

Giving Thanks

2007-11-19T22:55:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again! I hope every one has a very happy thanksgiving. I hope you all get to be with the ones you love and I hope you get a chance to stop and really think about what you are thankful for. Here are some of mine, I thought I'd share...enjoy!

1. my children (mainly when they're sleeping and quiet)

2. my husband (cuz at the end of the day, even with all the shit I pull, he still buys me jewelry)

3. my family (and the fact that I don't have to live with any of those nut cases)

4. friends (because they love me no matter what)

5. beer (no explanation there)

6. fajitas (they're just so yummy!)

7. TIVO (thank you jebus for TIVO, I don't know what I'd do without it)

8. tweezers (cuz I'm a hairy jew)

9. gossip magazines (cuz it's fun to read about how fucked up rich and famous people really are)

10. plastic surgery (do I really need to explain?)

11. push-up bras (cuz I can't afford #10 just yet)

On a more serious note... I truly am thankful to have all of you in my life. I'm a better person for it. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Muah!

My first time!

2007-11-07T09:05:00.001-08:00

I just can't wait to finally play for the first time. Net, if we team up we'll be unstoppable.

South Park Rules!

2007-11-01T21:02:00.000-07:00

So here's the deal. I absolutely love South Park. Always have. Now I realize that it has been 10 years since the show premiered and in that time I will admit that there has been a season or two where I wasn't tremendously impressed with the efforts of the writers. But man oh man has that opinion changed! In this latest season, they start off with Cartman (my all time favorite character) faking terets. Holy fucking shit!! It was THE funniest episode I've ever seen. Matt, Trey, I don't know who you've got up there working their magic but boys you guys are back and kicking ass again. So kudos to you for bringing life back into what was already deemed (in my eyes at least) as the most innovative and groundbreaking work of my lifetime.

I love Led Zeppelin

2007-10-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is Ramble On one of the best songs ever written?

Dear Binky,

2007-10-23T10:47:00.001-07:00

Okay Mr. I drink beer and design witty t-shirts in my spare time. Evidently, I need to explain to you what it is I do all day so that maybe, just maybe you'll get a glimpse into the life of a woman.
"Mommy, mommy....change me," she says to me at 6:10 in the morning. It feels like I just went to sleep 5 minutes ago. How can it be morning already? "Mommy change me!" she yells. "I wanna go in the play room." I groan and turn to look at the clock one more time just to make sure I'm not dreaming or something. I get out of bed. "Where's your sister?" I ask. Her reply, "I wanna watch Dragon Tales! Mommy put Dragon Tales on now!" she shouts. "Quiet you'll wake up your sister," I whisper. "I want milky", she demands again. I walk to the kitchen realizing how badly I have to pee. I can't leave to go pee though because she'll get upset that I haven't brought her her milk that she so desperately needs in order for her happiness to be complete. So I tighten my legs together and start hopping from one foot to another as I poor the milk in her sippy cup. Of course the pouring of the milk is not exactly helping with the whole pee issue. I'm trying to get the damn lid tightened around the sippy cup and of course I can't do it. Damn I really have to pee!
I manage to walk out of the kitchen without wetting myself. I hand her the sippy. And then I hear it. Their bedroom door is opening. The other one is poking her head out. "Mommy I need milky...

And that's just the first 10 minutes of my day. Now do the math and figure out how the rest of the day works from there. I am mommy. My job is to keep my mouth shut while changing diapers, potty training, filling sippy cups, changing clothes, doing laundry, making meals, vacuuming, loading the dishwasher, stopping to color a picture with them, washing faces, mopping the floor, making the beds, stopping to let them play outside, and filling the bathtub with just the right amount of bubbles. I am my children's bitch. I will continue to be their bitch until they turn an appropriate age. So Mr. I drink beer and make witty t-shirts in my spare time, have I given you a reasonable excuse for why I couldn't sit at my computer and write about shit that irritates me in a timely manner? LOL! I just had to give you shit Binky. Muah!

My Dear Friend Alcohol

2007-10-18T15:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips [ washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries ]? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken [ water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin ] prior to going to sleep/passing out [ face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever . The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. [ pre happy hour ] on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Fucking Britney Spears

2007-10-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable!! The little white trash whore has managed to fuck up again! How do you lose visitation rights to see your kids? What...was she doing a line of coke off her sons changing table? Seriously?!? What a fuck up! The worst part is SHE is the one young girls look up to, which just makes me wanna lose my lunch. Shit! She lost her kids to K-Fed. I never thought I'd see the day. I'm not an old person but I can't believe what the world is coming to. This is why 12-step programs insist that you take it slow. Start off with a plant. If it survives move on to a cat or dog or in Paris Hiltons case a ferret that you can dress up as a rodeo clown. And if that survives then you move on to a relationship/kids. 10 bucks says she would've killed the plant.

Plausible Deniability

2007-10-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

Plausible deniability is the term given to the creation of loose and informal chains of command in governments and other large organizations. In the case that assassinations, false flag or black ops or any other illegal or otherwise disreputable and unpopular activities become public, high-ranking officials may deny any connection to or awareness of such act, or the agents used to carry out such act.

In politics and espionage, deniability refers to the ability of a "powerful player" or actor to avoid "blowback" by secretly arranging for an action to be taken on their behalf by a third party—ostensibly unconnected with the major player.

More generally, "plausible deniability" can also apply to any act that leaves little or no evidence of wrongdoing or abuse. Examples of this are the use of electricity or pain-compliance holds as a means of torture or punishment, leaving little or no tangible signs that the abuse ever took place.

So I heard this term AGAIN last night while watching Independence Day. Don't you just love it? It just rolls right off the tongue. I love the meaning though. Look at what it can get you out of. God Bless America!

Boobs!

2007-10-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

Remember back in the day, when you could put your bra on and not have to adjust your boobs to make sure they fit in the cup properly? What kind of bullshit is this? Thank you pregnancy. I'm all saggy and droopy and I'm not even thirty! I'm just the "Mom Blob". The tummy tuck helped of course. But now, instead of looking like the female version of Buddha, I resemble one of those African tribeswoman you see on the cover of National Geographic. All I need now is a grass skirt and a couple of plates in my lower lip and I can party too. Woo hoo! Once again, thank you jebus for plastic surgeons.

I don't wanna!

2007-10-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

I remember summer nights. I remember walking down to the lagoon, our arms loaded down with paper sacks of cheap 40 ouncers we bought at the liquor store. I remember smoking our cigarettes and thinking up stupid sex rhymes to replace movie titles. I remember having fun. I think about it all the time as if it happened just the other day. But, it was so long ago. How did time go by so fast? When did I stop being me? I know I grew up. We all did. We had to, it's life. Is that what changed me? Us? Most of the time I think it's just me. Maybe I'm not as accepting of it as every one else. I miss it all so much. I miss me.